An Uninvited Guest

This weekend has been very strange.  I mean, it's been a good weekend, the Cardinals are playing well, and it's been really relaxing, but I still have had this strange feeling come over me the past several days.

I don't even know what caused it.  All I know is that since Friday, I have been thinking about Brittany much more than I have been for quite a long time.  What's really weird is the fact that it isn't a significant time or anything like that.  The anniversary of her death IS coming up, but not for about six more weeks. 

Perhaps that is, however, part of the reason I've been thinking about her.  On a subconscious level, I may be preparing myself for that fateful day.  I may be anticipating that day and becoming nervous about it.

This kind of response has happened before.  I remember when it was close to the time of the anniversary of our graduation.  For several weeks beforehand, I thought about Brittany a lot.  Just like this weekend, I have no idea where that came from.  However, when the anniversary of our graduation came, it really wasn't too bad.  It wasn't exactly easy, and watching the DVD for the first time since we graduated was tough, but all in all it was a good day.

But sometimes, like now, a "guest" pays a visit, unexpected and unannounced.  I am certainly NOT prepared when this guest visits. 

Although grief is unpredictable, crazy, and often makes me question whether or not I'm losing my mind, it really IS a natural process.  At times, it doesn't feel natural AT ALL, but when I reflect on things that happen and how I respond, I can see EXACTLY how natural this process is.

Just because grief is natural, doesn't mean it's linear or "progressive".  The past eleven months have really been a two steps forward, one step back, kind of pattern.  However, the "steps back" have become fewer and farther between, and are MUCH less intense than they were a year ago.

It's sometimes difficult to realize this when I'm in the midst of a tough day or weekend or whatever.  But now, I know the "spurts" of difficult days do not need to overwhelm me.  And they don't.  Why?

I KNOW what's going on.  I KNOW what I'm feeling.  Most importantly, I know that what I'm feeling at any given time is NORMAL!  I remind myself of this when I'm in the midst of a touch stretch.  And it ALWAYS helps!

While I wasn't ready to believe this when I started my grief journey last year, I'm ready now.

This too shall pass!  I will become stronger because of it.  I always do!!