To Blog or Not to Blog?

That is the question I have asked myself repeatedly over the past year.  Often, the answer is yes, I should blog.  Or rather, that was the answer when I first started blogging thirteen months ago.  It wasn’t even really a question that required much thought.  Whenever something came to my mind that I felt needed to be shared, which was almost daily, I would blog.  In fact, there were times when I felt I was “forcing” it at first. 

For about the first three or so months of this blogging adventure, I wrote almost daily.  There were times when I’d just think to myself “I haven’t blogged in x number of days, I should write something.”  That felt right to me at the time.

As I looked back on my blog at the end of last year and re-read all my posts, I really felt just how forced some of them were.  It was like I was writing just for the sake of writing.  Now, there’s no problem with that, but by doing so, I sometimes lose something that is now very important to me.

Forcing a blog post takes away from what I’m doing on a personal level.  What I mean is that if a blog post is forced it can distract me from the whole reason that I am doing this in the first place.  What is that reason?

It’s very simple, really.  It’s about honesty.  My goal with this endeavor is to be who I am.  That’s it.  I just get to be me. 

Part of the process of figuring out who I am as a person has been about balance.  It’s been about being “all in” all the time.  In other words, it’s been a process of feeling my feelings and identifying those feelings.  More recently it has also been about identifying the ROOT of those feelings.  What do I mean?

I mean that I’ve been learning how to separate my experiences from others’ experiences.  This is a hard thing to do.  When I started the process of allowing myself to just feel my feelings it was very hard to separate where the feelings were coming from.  I didn’t know if the feelings were associated with my experiences or others’ experiences that touched me.  I just knew I was feeling overwhelmed with a lot of feelings that I really didn’t want to feel.  But I had to.

Recently, I’ve gotten much better at identifying where my feelings are coming from and whether they pertain to my experiences or others’ experiences.  In other words, when someone I know experiences something difficult or painful, I understand that the feelings are theirs, not mine.  I no longer associate every painful thing that happens to others with my own experiences.  I’ve learned that I need to let others feel their own feelings and that I do not need to take on everything as if I were the one going through a stressful situation.

I’ve learned this through experience, and lots of it.  I’ve been able to practice identifying the source of painful feelings for some time now.  I’ve strengthened my understanding of what feelings are mine and what feelings are not mine.  This is at the core of how I utilize my blog.  I no longer feel like I have to write abut every little thing that comes to mind.  I no longer feel the need to write about my pain that is associated with what a friend might be dealing with at a certain time.  I no longer have to write about it because I no longer feel the pain from my experiences when someone else is dealing with something.  Now, I just feel sad for whoever might be dealing with painful circumstances.

As I write this, I’ve realized that the time has come to move a step forward.  It’s time for me to broaden my horizons on the whole “feelings” business.  Now that I can separate my feelings from others’ feelings, I can learn how to better be there for others when they need me.

I think my inability to deal with my own pain for so long left me at a loss for what to do when someone I care about is in pain.  I just don’t like pain, as I’m sure the vast majority of people don’t like it either.  But pain is real and it exists in the world.  Whether I’m the one in pain or I have a friend who is in pain, it must be dealt with.

That’s hard.  Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say or do.  I mean, if someone is already in a lot of emotional pain, I absolutely don’t want to say or do something to make it worse.  I think that’s one of the reasons why I often don’t say or do much of anything.  It’s not that I don’t care, and I’m sure my close friends know that.  It’s just that I don’t know HOW to deal with seeing other people in pain.  I’m so used to trying to “take it away” from them because I’d rather be the one to have to deal with it.  But that’s no longer the case.

I now realize that everyone must deal with emotional pain in their own time and find healthy ways of dealing with it.  I know I can and will be there for them, but I can not, and I WILL NOT do it for them.  I will do everything I can to be supportive and caring, but I know that ultimately it is their pain to go through, not mine.  That’s a hard lesson to learn, and to this day it’s a tough concept for me to grasp.

But I am grasping that concept.  Slowly but surely, more and more things are becoming clear to me.  I think just my awareness of how I deal or don’t deal with certain situations, especially situations involving emotional pain, has been very helpful to me.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I’ve learned that I CAN change my habits and learn to practice new habits.  With some practice, the new habits I’m learning will take me very far in life.

That’s how this blog works these days.  I write about my experiences in the moment and how I’m dealing with MY life.  It’s not about anyone else, it’s about ME!  I no longer feel like I have to blog about things just for blogging sake.  I blog about the things I FEEL in MY life.  That’s why I have to ask myself if I should blog about something.  Sometimes the answer my heart tells me is no.  I’ve learned to listen to my heart when it tells me no and just go on with my life.  I know that the next time my heart tells me “yes, you should blog about this”, I’ll do just that!

The Middle Ground

Yes it really does exist. I found the definition on dictionary.com, much to my surprise, a few minutes ago. Here I thought it was just a phrase that someone made up that each person must find his or her own meaning for. I didn't think it had a "real" meaning. I now realize that I just didn't know what that meaning was. Well, here it is.
 The middle ground is “an intermediate position, area, or recourse between two opposites or extremes; a halfway or neutral standpoint.”  So there’s my answer, right?

 No.  I am not looking for some technical definition.  Although this definition does help me understand the term “middle ground” it doesn’t tell me what it means to ME.  No dictionary can do that.

 Only I can.  And after the past week or so, I realize that I have done just that.  How?

Well, I’m not too sure exactly.  I think someone came and waved a magic wand and just gave me the answer that I was searching for throughout the past couple of years.  At least, that’s a cool fantasy.

 But that’s not what happened.  Life happened.

I went on a retreat this weekend.  During Eucharistic Adoration on Friday, my mind was very active.  Here’s what I wrote down during this time of prayer and meditation.

I’m distracted.  I don’t know why.  Usually I welcome distraction from everyday life.  Tonight, I don’t like it.  I can’t focus.  My mind is wandering.  I don’t know where it’s going.  I’m not sure if my mind knows where it’s going.  I feel all over the place.  I feel like I’m everywhere except where I should be.

Where do I think I should be?  I should be communicating with God.  That’s the purpose of this retreat. 

At least, I thought that was the purpose of this retreat.

When I arrived here earlier tonight (Friday), I was eager and excited for this opportunity.  I was excited to “get away” from everything.

I’m finding it hard to get away.  I may be away physically, but I know I’m not away mentally.

 It’s interesting that when I’m busy I am able to look past things in my life that for some reason become awakened in me during the quiet times.  My mind is always active at night.  I’ve had many nights where my mind has wandered and I never knew where it was going. 

There’s a quite I heard a while ago that reads “if you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.”

I’m getting better at doing that.  Tonight, though, I don’t know where my mind is…..thus I don’t know where my heart is.  I don’t know where I am right now.

I’ve been tired and overwhelmed the past few weeks.  There are several reasons for this.
1.      Subbing a lot
2.      The whether is variable
3.      Life is a tad mundane     

These are all things going on outside of me.  What’s going on inside of me?  I don’t know.  I don’t like the fact that I don’t know this answer.  For much of the past two years, one of my major focuses has been discovering what’s going on inside of me on an emotional and spiritual level.  Why can’t I figure this out?

Maybe I’m not looking hard enough?  Maybe I’m looking too hard?  Maybe I’m looking in the wrong place?  Maybe I’m looking for something that can’t be found?  Maybe I’m not looking at all?

I’m not sure if there is an answer to this distraction I feel.  I’m not sure if there’s a remedy for it.  I’m not sure how to get through it.  All I know is that I can’t avoid it.

I started this blog post by looking up the term “middle ground” on dictionary.com.  The definition was too technical for me.  It made me think that it was something that was just “there.”  I thought it was something that I would find at a certain point and then just stay there.  I thought it would be easy after everything I’ve gone through.

It isn’t.  I haven’t found it.  I don’t know if I ever will find it.

I’m going to stop looking.  I guess the “middle ground” will find me when it’s the right time.

Writing this in my notebook Friday night really did help me clear my mind.  It helped me clarify what I’ve been searching for.  I don’t think I’ve really been looking for a “middle ground” as I thought earlier this week.  I think I was looking for God in my life.  I mean, I know He’s there, but I haven’t been able to see Him clearly for the past several weeks. 

I guess I’ve allowed life to get in the way of my quest for God.  I’m not sure.  It was never my intention to allow life to get in the way, it just happened.  However, I now understand that I can always go back.  Once I understand that I’ve gotten distracted by life, I can always go back to God.  What’s really cool, though, is when God comes to ME!

I had that experience today during a time of silent prayer.  During the hour of silence, I simply opened by repeating in my head “open the eyes of my heart, Lord.”  And He did.  He dictated this letter to me.


Dear Amanda,

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been watching you for the past few weeks.  I’ve seen how overwhelmed you are.  I sense the loss in your wandering mind.  I can tell that you’ve been searching for something.  And although you don’t know what you’re searching for, I do.  Now is not the time for me to reveal that to you.  Now is the time for you to trust that I will reveal to you what you are seeking at the right time.

I know that circumstances such as these cause you to become uncertain, overwhelmed, and to feel lost.  I know this causes you to question your faith in me.

However, I see your faith in me every day.  I see your faith in me through your joys and struggles, your happiness and pain.

I know that you have experienced some tough times over the past couple of years, but there was a purpose for all of those times.  Even though you did not feel my presence in the midst of all you went through in 2010, I was right there with you.  I saw you through everything.

As you started to open up more and all yourself to feel all the pain that you felt, I was right beside you.  You couldn’t hear me, but I was right there silently listening to your please for a sense of direction and understanding amidst all the chaos.  You couldn’t feel me, but I have been holding your hand through everything.  I’ve been right there with you.

It was very hard for me to see you in so much pain.  I could feel the fear and pain in you.  But I also felt the strength in you.  I know it didn’t seem like you were strong, but I was there to see your strength and nurture it.  Every time you started opening up your heart and emotions more and more, I was there.  You may not have heard me, but I kept whispering to you, “you can do this, and I will help you do this.”

After you weathered the toughest storms, I have seen you come to me more and more.  I see your awareness of me in all aspects of your life.  I’ve seen you reach out to me when you need help.  I am always there for you.  I will always be there for you.

Part of my job is to test you.  I’m glad you have learned to lean on me when circumstances seem insurmountable.  I will guide you through these times and will encourage you along the way.

Amanda, you are beautiful.  Your faith in me is strong.  Your compassion for others and yourself is admirable.  Your love is amazing.  You are beautiful inside and out.

Love,

God

Writing this letter confirmed that I have found what I’ve been searching for.  I found God in my life again.  And this time I’m never letting Him go.  With God, I will be able to stay focused on finding that “middle ground."  With God, all things are possible!  God has been there all this time!

Sometimes I Can't Find the Words

So I let the words find me.  That’s the simple explanation of why I have not been blogging as consistently as I was at this time last year.  At first, I considered the fact that I had started blogging less frequently a bad thing.  I thought I was “losing my touch”.  I thought I was running out of things to say.  I thought I was retreating back to my “safe” place.  I thought of a million explanations for blogging less frequently.

Today, I realized something.  The fact that I am blogging less frequently is not at all a bad thing; in fact, it is quite the opposite.  It’s a GOOD thing that I haven’t blogged every day for several months now.  Why is this a good thing?

I consider blogging to be a very therapeutic outlet for me.  It is a way for me to clear my head of all the clutter.  When I started blogging, there was a lot of built-up clutter in my head.  There was so much that it was as if I couldn’t get out a blog post quickly enough before I got a new idea.  Thus, some blog posts would go unfinished and would “fall through the cracks” so to speak.  I’d lose the idea for the post when I tried to go back and finish it.  More important, I think, is that I’d lose the motivation to write the post.  Throughout the last several months, I think I’ve figured out the reason for this.

The vast majority of my posts, especially as I continued to write throughout the past year, are deeply connected to my psyche.  They are a function of deep, often intense, emotional issues I am facing at a given time.  So to put the post on hold would naturally remove the emotion out of it; leaving my posts unfinished, even if I intended to go back later, removed me from the picture.  As I’ve reflected on that over the past few months, I realized that tactic was a defense mechanism.  At the time, it wasn’t conscious.  I wasn’t leaving my posts unfinished intentionally.  Or maybe I was, I’m not sure.  I do remember some instances where I’d be writing a post and get to a point where it would become painful to finish it.  I sometimes felt like I was revealing too much, or that I would hit a “sore spot” within me, or something.  At any rate, I have recently made a commitment to change that.

At the beginning of this year, I set a personal goal for me to write what I feel WHEN I feel it.  Trust me, this is incredibly hard, and VERY painful at times.  But I’ve stuck with it.  I’m committed to continue to implement this change no matter how challenging or painful, and I will NOT back down.  That’s a promise!

As part of this pact I made to myself, I decided that I would not start a new post until the one I was currently writing was completed.  Whether it took two days or two weeks, I would see a blog post to it’s completion before starting a new one.  That’s exactly what I’ve done over the past six weeks or so.

When I wrote my first blog post of the year, it was incredibly hard, painful, and draining.  It took almost two weeks to finish it.  But the important part is that I DID finish it.  Since then, it has gotten easier to write what I feel as I’m feeling it.  I have found in the past couple weeks that the words are coming out at a rapid-fire pace.  However, they are not coming out so quickly that I lose my next idea before I complete a post.  I guess my psyche and my brain are adjusting to this change, too!

As I said in my previous couple of posts, the past week has been very trying for me.  I have found myself in situations where various friends are experiencing situations alarmingly similar to the difficult times I dealt with in 2010.  From a friend’s brother fighting cancer to a mother who lost her unborn baby, these have been some very difficult circumstances to deal with.  I’ve always been a sensitive person, and I think activating my feelings and my grief over Brittany’s death in the aftermath of the events of 2010 I became even MORE sensitive.  At that time, every little thing seemed to set me off.  I couldn’t catch a break.  I felt trapped with nowhere to go.

Earlier this week, I felt the same way regarding present circumstance.  However, before I could get lost in the place where I was at two years ago, I realized something.  There is NOTHING I can do about anything that is going on right now.  I definitely feel for the people who are surely dealing with some very painful and intense situations, but I have absolutely no power to change the circumstances themselves.  I can and will be supportive in any way possible, but that’s really all I can do.

When I first thought of this notion, being supportive didn’t seem like much.  I wanted to find a way to take away their pain, as I wanted to do in 2010.  This thought was quickly dispelled by inner voice of truth reminding me that I can’t take away their pain.  It’s not my job to take away other people’s pain under these circumstances.  So I am absolutely okay with playing the role of the supportive friend in these trying times.

One thing that I found interesting is that during the course of everything I found out during the past week or so I NEVER thought of Brittany.  Okay, maybe a tiny bit, but not seriously.  It wasn’t like in 2010 when I had all that pain I didn’t know what to do with.  There is no pain associated with her death whatsoever.  I consider that a very good thing.  I have clearly learned how to separate my experiences from others’ experiences.  And although I never want anyone to experience the kind of pain I did, there’s nothing I can do about life.  Life is going to keep happening regardless of what I do.  I can’t protect anyone, including myself, from every possible bad thing that could happen in life.  And now I know I don’t need to.  The people affected by the varying life circumstances going on right now will find their own ways of dealing with them and getting through them.  I have no control over that.

Today I came across the song Brand New Book.  It is the Biggest Loser theme song.  Essentially it’s saying that even though people change, they still remain the same in some ways.  There are a couple parts of the song that really caught my attention.

Here I am you  still know me.  Here I am take another look.  Here I am, same old story in a brand new book

I think this line is saying that although I’ve changed, I still have some parts of myself that will never change.  I also think this is saying that even though I HAVE changed the way I deal with my emotions and emotional situations I still have many of the same quilities that I’ve always had.  There are just some parts of me that will never change, and quite frankly, I don’t want them to!

There's a place I remember and I wanna go back, where I stop getting even and started to change.
Ahtough I can’t quite put my finger on it, I KNOW there was a time that I started changing.  The fact that I can’t quirte pinpoint that time is okay.  All I know is that it was important and helped me make changes that will last for the rest of my life.  I think for me, it’s not about “going back” to that place, it’s about voming forward with the knowledge I’ve acquired from the self-exploration I’ve done.  With that, I can always look back at any circumstance and realize how I’ve changed.

And now I get set of second chances to turn the pages of the lessons of the love that I've learned.
Over the past year and a half or so, I really HAVE learned about love.  In fact, I’ve learned about the most important kind of love that exists in this world.  I’ve learned how to love MYSELF.  I thought I loved myself throughout my emtire life.  And I did, to an extent.  I’ve learned a much deeper kind of self-love.  I’ve learned how to love absolutely EVERY aspect of myself.  This includes loving myslef when I’m strugging.  This requires me to be able to admit to myself when I’m struggiling and what I’m struggling with.  This is very hard to do.

 It’s getting easier by the day.  Perhaps that waso a subconscious reason for me to decide to srart keeping a journal last year.  Then it was my motivation to start this blog.  That self love continues to motivate to write on here even when my inclination might be otherwish.  It’s like even though it’s difficult, some part of me knows just how important it is for me to express myself in this way.

I no longer worry about how often I post or what the topic is that I will write about.  I don’t search aimlessly for the “perfect words” to come to me.  It’s like I heard on an interview with one of the Biggest Loser trainers:  “It’s about getting people to stop saying the ‘right’ thing and start saying the REAL thing.”  That’s exactly what I’ve done and will continue to do.  I rather enjoy keeping it real so I’m going to stick with it!

When Grief Attacks

It is unpredictable.  It is messy.  It is confusing.  It is terrifying.  It is hard.  It is painful.  It is the last thing I wanted to deal with in the past.  It is still not on my list of things I’d like to deal with.  But it is something that I now know I HAVE to deal with.  It is not something that I can postpone until later.  Actually I take that back.

I CAN postpone grief for later, but what good does that do?  In the moment, it may seem like it does me some good to push those awful feelings away.  Doing so gives me relief from the pain and discomfort.  But that relief is only temporary.  It wears off eventually.  Then, I must fend off the pain AGAIN and the whole process repeats.  This is draining.

So what exactly do I do when grief hits me unexpectedly?  Well, really, there isn’t much to DO.  It’s simply about FEELING.  Trust me, this is often NOT simple!  I mean, I know the importance of feeling my feelings and expressing them, but it is extremely hard to do.  But now I’ve realized something.

It’s even HARDER for me to fight the feelings!  I’m not sure exactly how this happened, but I guess it boils down to experience.  As I thought about the short grief burst I had the other day, my mind wandered.

My mind took me back to November 2010.  The circumstances I have been dealing with are almost identical to what I went through when my friend had her miscarriage and my grief over Brittany’s death really got going.  This situation was almost identical.  There was one key difference that has led to a better, positive outcome much more quickly than I’ve ever experienced before.

I know my feelings.  I know a lot about how the process of grief works.  As I said, it’s a messy, unexpected, difficult process.  But it is one that requires work.  And for me, a major component of that work has been actively feeling ALL my feelings and ALLOWING the painful feelings to come to me.  Trust me, this was NOT easy by ANY means!

It was SO hard and painful at first that I tried to fight it off.  I could literally FEEL myself fighting the tears that wanted and needed to come out in the aftermath of my friend’s miscarriage in 2010.  I never thought I would know what it felt like to fight back painful emotions; but perhaps I never knew what it was like to actually FEEL painful emotions.

Now I do.  As I said, it took a lot of work to get to where I am today.  It STILL takes a lot of work.  I cannot count the number of times I’ve wanted to ignore or fight my emotions.  But I discovered something.

I can’t do it.  I mean I literally CAN NOT fight back my emotions.  Well, I guess I could, but it would take a TON of effort.  And fighting my emotions is not worth that effort, but FEELING them IS!

Now, feeling my emotions as they come really takes very little effort.  That doesn’t mean it’s easy, but once I know what I’m feeling, I have found it much easier to just feel it.  I don’t even worry about why anymore.  I mean, I ask myself why I feel what I feel, but don’t search aimlessly for an answer.  I allow the answer to find me.  And it always does!

After being away from this blog for a few days, I’ve realized something.  I’m claustrophobic.  Not physically, but emotionally.  Claustrophobia is characterized by fear of being in tight spaces.  After a meeting with a group of friends tonight (Friday), I realized that I have been dealing with that same exact fear.

This kind of claustrophobia, though, is not as obvious as the physical kind.  I think many people who are claustrophobic know it.  Well, I didn’t.  But I think this notion does explain a lot about why my mind sometimes feels like it’s either going to explode or shut down.

I know I can only handle so much, but it’s not always easy to control what my mind does or does not take in and absorb.  It’s like my mind is a shock absorber at times.  That’s kind of how this week has been.  At first, I really didn’t feel too bad.  I didn’t feel much of anything, or at least not anything incredibly difficult or painful.  Earlier this week, around Wednesday, that changed.

I found out some news concerning a friend that has caused all sorts of feelings to come over me.  The most powerful of those feelings are helplessness and powerlessness.  There is not really anything I can do about the situation my friend and her family are in right now.  If there was something I could do, I would.  Since I can’t, I’m left with this powerless feeling.  That’s not a fun feeling to have at all.

With all the feelings of sadness, helplessness, fear, and powerlessness that have come over me the past couple of days, I have become incredibly claustrophobic.  Not in the physical sense, but in the mental sense.  It’s like I’m trapped in my thoughts and can’t get out.  A lot of times, when I can’t take action to fix or improve a situation, this is what occurs. 

I didn’t know that in 2010 when I was going through all the trials and tribulations that hit me from September through December.  It was just one thing after another after another.  I barely had time to deal with one issue before another one came up.  Life wasn’t giving me any breaks.  I had no idea what to do at the time, so really all I did was go around in circles and get trapped by my thoughts.  This is very similar to how I’ve been feeling the past couple days.  But there’s one big difference.

This time, I am extremely aware of everything that is happening.  More important, I am aware of all of the feelings that I have been dealing with.  The circumstances are amazingly similar to what I went through in 2010, but this time, they are manageable.  Even though I can’t do anything about the different situations and life circumstances that are going on with different friends at the moment, I can do something for myself.

Now that I know what I feel, I understand this claustrophobic feeling and know that there are several options for how to deal with it. I know I have several friends I can get in touch with if and when I need to.  I know I can write in my journal whenever I feel the need.  I know I can write on here at any time.  I know I can pray for comfort for myself and everyone affected by all the different situations that have been going on for the past week.  I know I’ll be okay.  I'm not completely okay right now, but it is getting better, and I know I WILL be okay again soon.

So, when grief attacks, as it has over the past week, what do I do?  I don’t really DO anything……I just FEEL!!!  That’s the best thing I can do for myself!  My feelings will tell me everything I need to know!  They will do whatever needs to be done and help me through the trying times.  My heart is my guide, and I follow it to the best of my ability; it hasn’t gotten me lost yet, and I don’t think it ever will! 

Here's the song that gave me the inspiration to finish this blog post today.
Hold my Hand-----Adam Bitter

Too Good to be True?

That’s the question I asked myself last week.  I wondered if my good feelings would last.  I felt like I was in a very good place emotionally.  Then, this week drained me of that feeling rather quickly.  It wasn’t like everything that could have gone wrong did or anything, it was just one of those weeks.

I started a long-term substitute job this week working with high schoolers in various special education settings.  A majority of my time is spent in the general education classes supporting the students with special needs.  The week started out very well.  I am pushing in to a math class and four periods of science (chemistry and freshman physics).  I am really enjoying the classes.  For some reason, by Wednesday after school, I was simply exhausted.  I couldn’t figure out exactly why, so I thought about it.  What could be exhausting me so much?

Thursday the answer came to me.  I’m trying to do too much.  More accurately, really, is that I’m trying to control too much.  In other words, I’m trying to control things that are beyond my control.  I have no power to change anyone.  Ultimately, it is up to each person to choose what they are going to do.  So I let go of the notion that I could “make” the students work or pay attention or anything.  I can’t.  I can only do what I can do.  I can help the students but ultimately they must decide what they are going to do.  I can’t decide that for them.

With this notion in mind, Thursday and Friday went very well!  As I said, I am really getting into the content of the classes I push in to, and I am really getting to know the students.  Considering I’m going to be there for a while, this is a very good thing!

Yesterday, I got two pieces of news that really shocked me.  These pieces of news were completely unrelated, but they both made me very sad nonetheless.  They reminded me of what I went through in November of 2010.  But it was a very different feeling this time around.  I mean, I felt sad about the things that happened, but I realized something.  I know that there is NOTHING I can do to change the situation.  Nothing.  I have no control over this.  So I am not going to fight to get some sort of “control” or magically turn back time or something.  I can’t do it.

I also realized something else.  This time, unlike the situation in November 2010, I was not consumed or overwhelmed by the feelings that occurred.  At first, I just felt shock, so I knew the feelings would hit eventually.  Based on my previous experience with this kind of situation, I expected the feelings to come full-force and linger for a long time.

They haven’t.  I mean, I feel sad and some pain, but this time, it truly IS empathy.  I can identify with what the people involved in these two situations that occurred are probably feeling right now.  But those feelings are theirs, not mine.  It’s not my job to feel others’ feelings for them.  It’s my job to feel my own, and ONLY MY OWN, feelings.  Trying to do anything beyond that in a situation in which I have no control is draining. 

I know it’s draining because I tried to do that.  It didn’t work.  It only exhausted me and hindered my ability to work through what I was feeling at that time.  Thus, the pain lingered until I took care of it rather than simply wishing it away.  Once I started taking care of the pain, once I started taking care of ME, the pain I felt subsided.

When I found out about these two situations, I could feel myself go back to where I was in 2010.  But I didn’t stay there.  It was as if I “got” a second chance to see how I could handle such a tough situation and have a positive outcome that doesn’t drain me of all my physical and emotional energy.

I’ve done just that.  Today, I feel great!  That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for the people I know who are struggling right now.  But since I know I can’t control the circumstances I am focusing on what, and who, I can control.  I am focusing on ME!

I’ve had the song Dive in my head for the past week or so.  On some level, I find that it relates to this situation.  Basically, although I am feeling some uncomfortable feelings, I’m just moving TOWARD them, not away from them as I have done in the past.  I can simply feel my feelings and let them be my guide.  In essence, my feelings tell me what to do.  My emotions are my guide.  They tell me when to take action, when to slow down or when I can’t control something.  Now, I listen to them.  That’s what I learned how to do in November of 2010. 

That skill has come in very handy.  Listening to my feelings has helped me out tremendously.  That’s kind of how this blog got started.  I had been writing in a journal for several weeks and one day just had this thought of “why not share your story with others?”  I’m glad I chose to listen to that thought!

Today I went to Mass as I do every Sunday.    One thing that really struck me was when he was talking about the human psyche.  He basically said that if the psyche was left to its own devices in troubling times, that wouldn’t be a good thing.  The psyche needs a guide.  What is that guide?

It’s faith.  I have to say that I agree with this notion whole-heartily.  Faith is the ONE thing that I’ve always had.  I just didn’t always realize it.  In the darkest times when my friend had her miscarriage in 2010, I wasn’t even thinking about faith.  I was just thinking about how I would make it through the next ten minutes.  Somehow, through all the trials and tribulations during the weeks and months that followed my friend’s miscarriage, I managed to hold on to my faith.  Sometimes it felt as if that faith was nonexistent, but I now realize that even if it was just a tiny speck of faith, it was still there.  Had I not had faith, I don’t know how, or if, I would have gotten through that extremely difficult stage in my life. 

When I started this post, I was questioning whether or not how good I had been feeling concerning where I am at in my life was too good to be true.  When I thought up this post last week I had no way of knowing what was going to happen to me.  I had no idea how much the life events of the past several days would influence this post.

I guess that’s the lesson in all of this.  I NEVER know what life is going to decide to do.  I never know what challenges life will throw at me on a given day.  Thus, I never know how I’m going to handle such challenges.  But there is one thing that I know for a fact.

I can handle ANYTHING!!  I’ve proven that to myself over the past couple years.  That in and of itself is enough to help keep me going during life’s hardest times.  My faith is NEVER too good to be true, that’s for darn sure!        

Happy Birthday to My Blog

Last night, I was touched.  I don't know how else to say it.  I really felt touched as I was laying in bed going to sleep.  I was listening to JOY FM as I do every night.  It seemed as if the people running the music knew exactly what I needed to hear.  I heard the following songs in a row.

Lifesong
When I heard this song, my initial response was simply that it is a good song.  I heard it for the first time probably about five years ago when my sister went on a retreat.  It was the closing song after the final Mass of the retreat.  Last night, the words really struck me.  In essence, this blog IS my life song.  I can look back at this blog and remember exactly where I was at just about any point during the past year.  It's all documented.  It's in black and white.  If someone were to ask me where I was emotionally at a certain time, I would be able to answer that question honestly and articulately.  It's neat for me to be able to look back at where I've been to see what I've learned, how I've grown, what I've overcome and how I have overcome life's obstacles.  My blog will continue to serve that purpose for many more years to come, that's for sure! 

Let the Waters Rise
When I heard this song, I began thinking about how my attitude towards life's hardships has changed.  In the past, every time life would throw a curve ball my way, I'd get scared.  Sometimes, I'd try to take the "safe" way out.  I'd look for a way to avoid the fear.  Usually, though, avoiding fear means not doing things that I know are important to do.  I've realized throughout the past year or so that in life's toughest times, the only way "out" is THROUGH.  Now, I know that won't get me out of a situation, and going through tough situations often brings a lot of pain and uncomfortable feelings, but I have found that it really IS the only way to deal with hard situations.  And I know that I will be faced with difficult situations that I won't WANT to face on a daily basis.  But I've learned that it's not about whether or not I WANT to face something; it's that I NEED to face my fears and the tough situations to get through them.  So, really, now my attitude in life is"bring it on!"  I've dealt with a lot of hard times over the past two years, and to be able to look back and see how my attitude has changed towards the struggles in life makes me very proud! 

Blessings
I don't think I've EVER heard a song that has touched me more than this one did.  When I heard this song I realized that it was no coincidence that I heard these three songs within minutes of each other.  It was meant to be that way.  There was something in all of these songs, but especially this one, that I NEEDED to hear last night. 

Tomorrow this blog will turn one year old.  When I came to that realization last Monday I was very proud and also quite shocked.  I couldn't believe it has been a year already.  How did the time go so quickly?  How did I stick with blogging for this long?  How did I get through the times when I really didn't want to blog?  How did I continue to allow myself to be vulnerable in the tough times? 

I now realize that I had help.  I mean I know I had support from friends during the tough times, but I now know that I had even more help than I realized.  I had God's help.  Through this process of documenting the last year of my life on here, I have found such a strong sense of faith that I NEVER knew I had.  But I evidently had it all along.

If I hadn't had faith, I wouldn't have gotten through the darkest times of the last two years.  Thus, I wouldn't be able to document those times, so this blog wouldn't exist.  I am so glad things have turned out the way they have!

When I heard the song Blessings last night my mind began to wander.  I found that I was really absorbing the words of the song.  I felt myself actually being a character in this song; like this song was written specifically for ME.  Like someone was speaking directly to me in musical form.  I could feel a sense of peace and calmness come over me while listening to this song.  But here's the interesting thing.

When I heard this song, my mind immediately went back to November of 2010.  At that time, a friend of mine experienced a miscarriage.  That triggered a lot of feelings associated with my best friend Brittany's death six years ago.  That was by far the hardest time of my life.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?  What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?  What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
This is the part of the song that really got me thinking of my friend's miscarriage.  My mind went back to the day I found out about it.  I remembered all the feelings associated with it and how hard I fought to get through the next month or so.  I remember all the struggles, tears, and sleepless nights.  At the time, I didn't know how I'd get through it, and I sometimes doubted that I would get through it.

But I did.  Now, I am so much stronger BECAUSE of that situation.  I have created so many things for myself because of that situation and all the feelings associated with it.  That was when I really started writing.  Had it not been for my friend's miscarriage, this blog would almost certainly never have been created.  I discovered a lot about myself that I doubt I would have discovered had it not been for this tragedy.  Of course, at the time I wasn't thinking about any sort of positive things that could come from such a horrific situation.

As I looked back on November 2010 last night it was quite interesting.  This is the first time that I can remember looking back at those memories and not feeling ANY pain.  None whatsoever.  Instead I felt awe and a great sense of pride.  If someone would have told me a year and a half or so ago that I would look back on a really painful situation with pride I would not have believed it.  How is it possible to do that?  Well, my thoughts have shifted.  Instead of remembering the horrible circumstances, which I would NEVER wish on anyone, I remembered something more important.

I remembered how I took care of myself during that very trying time.  I remember actually allowing my emotions to come out.  I remember resisting the urge to fight my tears and actually understand what it physically felt like to fight back tears.  Once I knew that, it became easier to just let my emotions out.

After a while of feeling the intense emotions I started writing.  I have compiled a series of letters on this blog that I have written over the past year or so.  I continue to add to that collection when I feel I need to.  This blog has been a great way for me to release my feelings and get them out in the open.  It's really been a fun journey!

 I think the trials of the past year or so really ARE blessings in disguise.  I now understand that I will be able to handle whatever life throws at me, no matter what!

Here's to one fantastic year of writing and looking forward to many more!

In One Week......

This blog will turn one year old!  That's the realization that dawned on me Monday morning.  With this thought came a range of feelings.

Shock.  My initial reaction was complete shock.  It was like there was no way that I could have possibly been writing on here for almost a year already.  That just wasn't possible. 

Surprise.  After the shock wore off, I was left with a feeling of surprise.  I mean, I knew this day was coming, it just kind of snuck up on me.

Pride.  I'm proud that I have stuck with this for so long.  I really had no idea that I would be able to keep this up.  I thought that it would last a couple months or so and then I would stop.  That's what I've done in the past in terms of journaling.  I'd journal for a week or so and then get bored with it and give up.  That's what I fully expected to happen.  It hasn't.  That makes me proud!

As I've sat with these feelings, especially the feeling of pride, for a few days I've realized something.  I've often questioned why this is so easy to do.  Here's the answer I came up with.

It is NOT easy.  In fact, it is often very difficult, and has proven even more difficult as I am trying to write what I feel in the moment.  I know this post is a little delayed, but I have been substituting a lot and have simply not had the energy to write.  This time, though, it's not because there is a lot of stuff going on or that I am feeling intense negative emotions.  It is simply that I needed to give myself a bit of a break from blogging.

Over the past year, that's one thing I learned.  When I started blogging, I said I would blog every day.  That was my way of ensuring that I would stick with it.  I blogged almost daily for several months.  But as I looked back at a lot of my blog posts, I realized that blogging a lot at first was about much more than just making sure I "stick to it". 

I had a lot of things I needed to let go of.  I had a lot of old "baggage" that I needed to get rid of.  In the early going, there were SO many things that would trigger a memory or cause me to think of something in my own life.  I also felt the need to "teach" others.  I felt like my purpose for blogging was to show others effective ways to live their lives.  Like, I had all the answers, and through the process of the young adult group I attended I felt like I had learned a lot about myself.

That's true.  I HAVE learned a lot about myself.  I do not, however, have all the answers to life.  I don't even know all the QUESTIONS of life!  For the first three months of this blogging journey, I thought I had life all figured out.  I was proven wrong.

In May, something changed.  I'm not sure what exactly, but something definitely changed.  And for the first time, I realized that the change was actually happening WITHIN me.  I couldn't tell at the time, but now I see that the TONE of my blogs changed, rather abruptly, at the end of April and into May.  Somehow I shifted form "teaching" as if I had life all figured out to figuring out my life as I wrote. 

What I mean really is that I began to take more risks.  I began to feel SAFE taking more risks.  I began taking the kind of risks that until that point I had only taken during meetings of the young adult group I was involved it.  I thought that was my safe haven, and really that WAS my safe haven. 

But in May the group finally ended.  I knew this was coming, but it was hard for me.  I now realize that not having the group was much harder on me at first than I allowed myself to believe.  In May, I wrote about Brittany a lot.  I was really missing her and was very apprehensive about the upcoming anniversary of our graduation on June 3.  At least, that's what came out of my blog.  When I looked back at all my blogs, the month of May was very interesting and eye-opening.  Sure, I was saying that I was missing Brittany, and that was true.  But as I looked at many of my posts, I felt something that I don't feel very often.

I felt like I hadn't shared the whole truth.  I don't mean this in a bad or critical way, but it was a good observation to make.  As I read a lot of my posts from May, I kept thinking "there's more to this than Brittany.  Why couldn't I say what was really going on?  What WAS really going on?  What was I feeling?" 

After reading a lot of my posts, what I was feeling actually became quite clear.  I was scared.  The group I had attended and really relied on at times was coming to an end.  I would be "forced" in a way to handle things on my own.  Now, if there ever is a problem that I can't handle, I know I have plenty of people I can go to at any time.  But the thought of losing my safe haven was very frightening.  I was afraid that I would "forget" everything I've learned.  I was afraid I'd go back to my old habits.  Somehow, I managed to hide that fear from myself and everyone else.

In June, I didn't really write about Brittany.  I think by then I had reached a place more towards acceptance than anxiety.  I did, however, start revealing more and more of my inner self.  This post is especially enlightening.  It's about the fear I had of losing my "safe haven."  I no longer have that fear.  Why?

Because despite the fear I felt at that time, that was when I realized I had created MY OWN safe haven.  This blog has served as a place where I can share my honest thoughts and feelings.  Also, I still have my journal, so if for some reason I can't share something on here, I write it in my journal so it is out of my head.  Over the summer, I used this blog to work through my grief journey.  As the summer went on, I noticed something.

As the month went on, the number of blog posts I've written has decreased.  I think what happened is I no longer felt like I had to "teach" something or "prove" anything to anyone, even myself.  By June, I think I HAD proven to myself that I would stick to this and at that point realized that I didn't "have" to write every day or almost every day. 

Now, I write whenever I need to write.  By the end of August, I realized that I really have shifted my way of thinking, and I understood that my purpose of writing has changed somewhat.  That was really when I understood that I was writing first and foremost for ME!  About a year ago, I had set a goal for myself to make myself a priority.  Now, I'm proud to say I've done just that!

In fact, I've done just what I said I would do in this post.  Essentially, I have allowed my heart to take control of my writing.  What I mean is that whenever I write something now, it's not just for the sake of writing.  I'm really writing what I'm FEELING.  Not to teach something, not to prove something, but just to be the REAL me!  I wrote more about what I felt when I felt it.  I wrote about the good things and the bad things happening in my life.  I became comfortable with ME!

As I have become more comfortable with my feelings, I have written less frequently.  I now have a clear idea of what I can work through on my own and what needs to be shared on here so that my feelings don't get out of control.  Now, I don't LET my feelings get out of control.  Nothing festers in my head anymore.  I've been able to write more and more "in the moment" and become comfortable releasing my negative and uncomfortable feelings as they come up.  But that doesn't mean it's easy.

In fact, it is EXTREMELY difficult.  It makes me SO vulnerable.  But in the end, for the past couple months especially, it has been worth it.

I am very proud that I have stuck with this for just about one year!!  I look forward to writing on this blog for years to come!  Happy reading!           .